Less than 4 weeks away.. half marathon training update

For some people, working out is therapeutic, and for the most part I am right there with them, with full on endorphins flying during workouts and leaving the gym, feeling stronger, empowered, and confident. When that doesn’t work, I like to write. Writing for me is a way to let go of thoughts that working out couldn’t cure, especially when working out is the root cause. This post may not have any sort of substance or purpose or structure, but it is a way for me to release all these negative thoughts going on in my head now.. I’ll forewarn you that it is a long, drawn out, and more of me purging my brain than a quality content article, so read at your own risk..

The Good

I made the conscious decision to shift my focus from Crossfit to my half marathon training. I wanted so much to believe that I could train like a couple of my favorite strength training ladies that only did a long run once a week to train for their half, but it wasn’t working for me. Others have done half marathons with just Crossfit training, but that approach is not working for my body or my mind. I lack the confidence and physical ability to finish my training that way. Since running isn’t my passion and I am not running for pleasure or stress relief or fitness, my mindset going into the runs was always negative.

I was doing Crossfit 4-5x a week plus a long run on Saturday, but as the long runs increased, so did my frustration with running. In discussing my concern with my coach, she suggested adding in at least two more runs per week of 3-4 miles so that I can become more comfortable with running in general. This made sense to me. My last couple long runs (7 and 8 miles, distances I had never done before), I felt better on the second half, so much so that my last miles were always faster than my first miles. So finding comfort in the first few miles or at least pacing myself properly could yield a more successful long run overall.

I was concerned about balancing my current Crossfit schedule with additional runs, plus added mileage, and my coach said as long as I am recovering, I should be able to do it, adding the additional runs either before or after the WOD class, then still having a full rest day during the week. If recovery was an issue, then reevaluate dropping a day of workouts.

Last week, I ran Monday after Crossfit (3.5 miles), and Tuesday I ran before Crossfit (3 miles), WODded Wednesday, did intervals at Crossfit Endurance on Thursday (1 mile warmup; 5-400m repeats), rested Friday, then my 8 miles Saturday. Yeah, I did 8 miles! That, and my 7 miles last week, deserve their own blog post, but I’m just chugging along moving forward..

I was feeling good, and I like the structure and felt the next 4 weeks are going to be very difficult for me in so many ways, but I was confident after my 8 miler that I can keep pushing through. My mileage is increasing. my overall pace is getting faster; I am getting better.

The Bad

So despite having a set training plan in place leading up to my race, I want it all, but can’t do it all. I want to run faster, run further, run this half marathon. At the same time, I want to lift heavier, WOD faster.

Realistically, I understand that I cannot excel at both at the same time. But my goal and my progress so far doesn’t put me in any sort of elite category; I just want work my way up to being average at both. Maybe slightly above average.

Mentally, I’m struggling with this one. I know if my short-term goal is this half marathon, it will not ruin my long-term goal of becoming a better Crossfit athlete, yet it is hard to accept that Crossfit cannot be the priority now. I am having a really hard time keeping this in mind though. That Crossfit will be there for me when I finish this training. That I will not lose everything that I have worked so hard to achieve in the past 9 months.

I struggle watching a couple of my favorite WOD buddies putting in extra work and hitting big milestones and PRs while I am cautiously working out in fear of burning out or not having the energy for my scheduled runs. It’s almost like I feel that I am being left behind..

There are a couple other people at my box doing this same half marathon, but no one that I am really close to so it is somewhat hard for me to find someone who can get what I am going through. My coach said that she balances Crossfit and training all the time, but then again, she is a BQ and a triathlete superstar.. I’m just me, with no athletic background other than this sport. So even though it can be done, doesn’t really mean it is for me.

I have so many people at the box that support me in my decision to do this half marathon and that share their pride in me and give me so much more confidence in myself than I have in me, but I still feel like there is a big hole missing. That I’m lacking some support from some intangible source. I can’t explain it.

Further, as I do these runs, despite hitting milestones for distance each week, I am still having to walk every so often. My legs don’t want to keep moving. My mind doesn’t want to keep moving. And every time there is a walk break, it is usually accompanied by tears. Not one tear, slowly dripping down as a run.. but TEARS. Sometimes uncontrollable sobbing.. lack of confidence, lack of mental strength, lack of proper training.

The Ugly

Our box is having tryouts for a local team competition so for the next few Sundays, you can complete for a spot on the team, but can also come and do the WODs, even if not competing. The WODs were announced and I was looking forward to doing them, even though it had no real bearing on anything.

But then when one of the coaches said that if you are a girl trying out, there is a good chance you will make the team (based on the number of girls interested in competing), even though I really did not consider competing, I wanted to know that I was at least good enough. I went into this WOD ill-fueled (started off the morning with a good breakfast with eggs and sausage.. ended with a donut or two..).

WOD 1: 10 minute AMRAP
10 85# push press/push jerk
10 KB Swings (35#)
10 box jumps (20″)

85# may as well have been 100#.. as each push press/jerk sucked the life out of me. I got through one round and told my judge that I couldn’t do any more. She encouraged me to keep going and cheered every miserable rep on. I felt like I had dropped the bar more times than reps actually completed, and so many times just stood in the front rack doubting I could get the weight up. I have done Grace RX (30 clean and jerks at 95#) more comfortably than this WOD. There have been plenty of WODs that I felt defeated in, but they are usually the Hero WODs or the ones that take 30 minutes to finish. Not a 10 minute AMRAP of basic movements.

I finished with 3 rounds, plus made it through the KB swings. The other girls all were around 5 full rounds or more. Don’t compare, I know. But my performance was not full effort of what it could have been. Improperly fueled? Overtired? Full of excuses?

The next WOD I knew I would redeem myself, as I have a history of doing my best when it comes to low-pressure lifting ladders. We had a snatch ladder and a clean and jerk ladder, in which every minute on the minute you go up in weight until you fail in that minute. I had done the C&J one before in my first competition months ago and hit a PR of 105 (since then, my C&J max upped to 115), so was expecting to at least hit that max.

We started the snatch ladder at 65#, a weight I have been comfortable at for some time. No problem. Went on to 75#, a weight that I maxed at months and months ago. Got up to 75# and muscled that snatch right up. Moving on.. 85#. And I forgot how to snatch. I stared at the bar, gripped it, listened to cheers around me.. and that bar was going nowhere. Squat snatch, they said. Nope, was not happening. Not even close. Slight defeat.. but I met my max which should have been good enough. Flustered anyway, I was looking forward to the Clean and Jerk where I knew I’d show my strength as it is the lift I am the most confident in.

75#, 85#, no problem. 95#… struggled, but got it. Now, as I said before I had done Grace RX in under 10 minutes. So 1 clean and jerk in a minute should be quite low pressure.

Onto 105#. Cleaned.. and jerk attempt.. nope. Dropped the bar.. Failed clean… Stared at the bar.. ugly clean.. and nope. No jerk. I KNOW I can lift heavier. But once that bar was sitting there, my nerves kicked in for some reason and instead of an adrenaline rush, it was more like pure panic. This was supposed to be low pressure for fun WOD.. but no, I freaked out.

And ran off into the bathroom to throw myself a little pity party and pout and cry. Nothing about the workout felt good. There was no happy, strong, empowering feeling afterwards. There was no sense of pride or accomplishment for giving it my all. I didn’t even care what anyone else did, but knew it was such a sub-par performance from myself.

Then walked out of the gym defeated and upset and angry with myself. Angry that my half marathon training is getting in the way of my lifting. Angry that I have lost the strength to do those lifts. Even angrier that I have worked so hard to get where I am at today and I have made so much progress and I feel like I am losing that to something I don’t even like to do. And not only am I losing physical strength but losing mental strength right along side it.

I signed up for the half marathon to prove to myself that I can do it. Prove that I have the capability to push myself so far mentally and physically that I never though I would be able to. And so many days, I feel I don’t have the physical or mental strength to do it..

I am surrounded by the most amazing supportive group of people at Crossfit, from my running coach to my fellow athletes who want so badly for me to succeed, but I am slowly letting the struggles get in the way of noting my progress.

I’m not going to give up on this half marathon. Despite the people who keep telling me there is no sense in running the race, and that all that running is bad for me, and that if I don’t love it I should drop it.. I’m not doing the race for those people. I’m doing it for me to prove my abilities, and prove to myself that I have come so far from where I was not so long ago.

I am going to keep up with my training and take my rest days when I need them (like today, totally unplanned, took the day off of work and Crossfit..) and just focus on the short-term goal..

Then as soon as October 20 is over, am I going to enjoy a couple of days off from Crossfit and running, and then set up some new amazing goals to take me to the end of the year. Reinstate the confidence I had in myself not so long ago, and start working on crushing PRs and preparing for the Open.