A while back I wrote a post about Crossfit and dating.
It was not meant to make me come off as shallow or pretentious or anything; rather it was me finally finding a happy place in being by myself. It was months after having my heart broken, and it was through Crossfit that I was able to cope with my new-found forced independence. It was Crossfit that gave me the confidence and strength to learn to find happiness on my own. I had always based my happiness on someone else; and that was no longer the case.
It was only natural that when it came to getting back into the dating scene, things were going to be different. I was more comfortable with myself and I was not looking to just settle as I may have in the past. I had high expectations and standards, and frankly, no one was good enough for me.
In a way, Crossfit took over as an acceptable replacement for a boyfriend. We had our ups and downs. It gave me something to do on a Friday night and it made me feel good about myself. It made me put a higher emphasis on my body and what I put into it. I became physically, mentally, and emotionally stronger because of Crossfit. And for that, I have zero shame. I needed that time being single to discover myself and loved the supportive community I surrounded myself with.
I went on plenty of dates over the past year, and I realized that not many of the guys understood the drive I had for Crossfit and what it has done for me. Yes, oftentimes I would rather be doing Crossfit than going out on a date. And despite not being any sort of elite athlete or training for a major competition, my training time and consistent schedule is important to me.
While the guys saw it as a workout, for me it was more than that – it was completely life-changing, as it is for so many others. I developed an overwhelming passion and developed an interest in those who shared that passion with me. My body was changing and my perception of what I found attractive was changing, both in men and women.
It is not to say I would never date anyone that didn’t do Crossfit. Nor date anyone that didn’t look like a Crossfitter. But my perception of myself changed, as did how I view others. It is more than the physical look; I am attracted to commitment and drive, passion and ambition; which just happen to be outputs of those that do Crossfit.
A writer for Men’s Fitness found my article and wanted to call me to discuss my thoughts for a series of “Crossfit Confessions” they were putting together.
I had no problem relaying my thoughts on the topic, and despite my dating life probably not being a prime topic for their audience, I thought it would be a fun opportunity. I griped afterwards that they didn’t choose a photo that I would have liked, nor did they provide any link back to my blog, but I still was pleased with the output and thought others may be able to relate.
And then, I got my first taste of hate.
Now, I have seen enough Crossfit bashing to learn to ignore it. People think Crossfit is dangerous for multiple reasons and a lot of them may be valid. And I’m over trying to defend the sport.
However, this was more of a personal attack, which struck a bit of a nerve. If you know me, the words “shallow”, “pretentious”, and “a**hole” are probably the last words that anyone would use to describe me. I think in my two years of blogging, I had one negative comment ever, so this was something new to me. At any rate, two comments out of a nationally published article – I got over it.
But then I visited the conversation on Facebook and got irritated all over again.
“But…she doesn’t look muscular at all.”
So, I can’t love Crossfit because I’m not jacked?
“crossfit cant fix ugly”
My competition game-face must mean I’m single for life?
“She’ll never be injury free anymore either. Hope she has a great medical plan, orthopedic surgeon, and chiropractor.”
Because you know how I treat rest and recovery and mobility?
I mean, maybe a more flattering picture would have eliminated a couple of those comments? Maybe the writer was unable to truly capture the real me in his post? Maybe I gave off a personality that really isn’t how I am?
Either way – these people don’t know how I train. They don’t know how I prioritize my time and my life. They don’t know who I like and why would they even care?
It’s easy to tell people to ignore the trolls, and ignore the haters. For some strange reason people love to comment on things that are uneducated about, and I really don’t understand why you need to bother commenting at all, unless it’s an intelligent debate on the topic.
My dating preferences are mine. I wouldn’t bash anyone for who they find attractive or who they choose to date, or not date. Personal preferences are just that – personal preferences. So what if I want a guy that takes care of his health and his body? So what if I want someone who understands and respects that I want the same? Who cares if I don’t want to go out and would rather stay in and watch Crossfit? Cause really, I’ve done that as a “date.” And it’s grand. Cuddles and crossfit? Perfect night.
It may be selfish on my end; and may be selfish on his end. But in the end, it is about finding someone who makes you happy.
So hate on my sport all you want, but please don’t hate on me.
You weren’t pretentious or anything of the sort.
I experienced my first run in with haters on my “I Don’t Care” post. And I had the same reaction to comments that seemed more of a personal attack than comments on the subject.
Some people are just mean. They get their kicks from sitting behind a computer pontificating their meanness on the world. Don’t let them get you down. You are awesome. They are not.
And pain faces are the best!
Chris recently posted..The 2014 CrossFit Drinking Games
Ugh. Annoying!
Like, “YOU DON’T KNOW ME!” annoying.
But thank you for always being such a supporter, and if I ever do come off rude or something, I’d hope my lovers would tell me. Well, lovers, meaning people opposite of haters.. not really like “lovers”..
I value the opinions of those that do know me.
I love this and can totally relate.
I feel the same about running and yoga. Am I obsessed? No. Have I gone on running dates? Yes. Do I feel better about who I am with both these things in my life? OF COURSE. Don’t compromise who you are or what you love – the best part about this post is that you (and I!) can now approach dating happy and secure with yourself. That’s better than half the population – and all I can say is, your outlook on everything is much healthier than so many other misinformed ideas.
And I hope you find the right crossfitting dude for you 🙂
Exactly!! It’s finding yourself first, then you can find someone to complement it!
Twitter: runfastmama
July 28, 2014 at 11:50 am
UGH, yes you are none of those things Jennifer and there is nothing wrong with being committed and loving how your sport makes you feel and improving yourself instead of shrinking into a sea of self pity. Sadly, that is what most people do when faced with a loss. It takes a strong person to rise above and find passion and focus and that is just what you did! No shame at all in wanting that in a partner, you totally deserve the best!
Lisa RunFastMama recently posted..Signs you need a running coach…
I think that’s the not so pleasant part of blogging. The mean and nasty come out to prey. It must be frustrating because these people don’t know you from Adam. I see a lot of things in you from your blog. Funny, smart, passionate and strong, but pretentious and shallow I don’t see at all.
I think just brush it off and move on and go to a WOD. You’ll feel better.
Best wishes.
Since when did having passion for a sport become a negative thing? It’s sad that there are so many people out there that have nothing better to do than to project their opinions onto other people. You live a healthy and active lifestyle and there is nothing wrong with wanting to share that with someone!
Shelly recently posted..Plant-Based Protein for the Win: Vega Sport’s Performance Protein Review
Haters gonna hate…especially in comments. A lot of those people have nothing better to do than bash others and be mean. Their parents probably didn’t love them.
You are entitled to your opinion and to live your life the way you choose. There is a reason the series was meant to be a “CrossFit Confessions” piece…and you could insert any sport/interest/hobby and you’d get people echoing similar ideals to yours, but related to them.
Don’t let stupid people ruin your day. They aren’t worth a pebble of your self-esteem and confidence. They probably say mean things about puppies and babies too.
I wouldn’t take any of the negative comments even remotely seriously. In the blogging universe I feel like we are a bit sheltered from the cruelty that people on the internet can have. These other social media outlets are way more prone to having commenters misinterpret and insult other people. Most of the time people don’t even read all the information presented before bashing someone in the comment section. It’s not about crossfit and it’s not about you, it’s about that persons need to feel power over someone else through hateful words.
Abi@AbsofSteel recently posted..Friday Weekly Workout Roundup: Pining for the Heavy Stuff
I just simply don’t understand why people choose to be so hateful and rude. And I’m with you on wanting a guy who takes care of his body and values his health. Keep blogging and keep writing and keep up with CrossFit posts. Crossfit for only two months has done amazing things for me not only physically, but mentally as well and I’m going to keep going back!
Sky @ The Blonde In Black recently posted..WIAW: Albuquerque Edition
I don’t know you at all except for via your blog and I would never think to call you shallow or pretentious. I appreciate that you’re learning who you through your fitness. I think all women should have the opportunity to truly learn who they are. I’m a runner. Running has given me so much! I married so I don’t have dating drama but for many, many years, I didn’t like myself. Even though I married my best friend who loves me when I look ridiculous after a night of too much wine (oops), I still didn’t like who/what I saw in the mirror. Running changed that. And now, I have CrossFit, too and I have an entirely NEW perspective. I kinda like my muscles. And I kinda like what having them does for my running. 🙂 And, I kinda like it when I hear my kids’ friends talking about me and how bad ass I am. 😉 As for the haters, they are everywhere. They’re the ones who don’t understand and don’t care to try to understand or are the ones who are dealing unsuccessfully with their own demons and only know how to lash out. Unfortunately, they’re a part of life. And it is difficult to not take the comments personally. Keep your chin up!Cuddles and CrossFit – totally had that this weekend. 🙂
Jennifer @ A Hungry Runner recently posted..50k training – week 5 recap
This is going to sound like such a mom-comment, but they’re jealous, plain and simple. And cowardly. It’s so easy to name-call from behind the safety of your computer screen, isn’t it? These people simply think that you’re “obsessed” because you have something they want, just not enough to make it happen.
I struggled with my weight and self-image for years before I finally had enough and decided to lose it all. It took a lot of discipline, especially with 3 under 4 on cold winter mornings, but I made it happen.
Those who love themselves will make a change. Those who don’t will hate on others.
Your first few paragraphs completely took the words out of my mouth as to how I am feeling. I legit re-read it and was like: okay, this is me. Yes, CrossFit has totally changed my life and I love it for that. And the criticism/hatred of it sucks but unfortunately “such is life.” Those comments that you were subject to are awful and I’m sorry you had to go through this. But that is the unfortunate reality that comes with “putting yourself out there.” Whether they are Instagram trolls or just people who like to criticize others because they have nothing else to do… “such is life.” Those comments are a reflection of who THEY are not of who YOU are.
Amy @ The Little Honey Bee recently posted..A Day in the Life: Last Week’s Eats & Workouts
Twitter: detroithealthy
July 28, 2014 at 2:00 pm
I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this. It’s ridiculous the things that people will say..But honestly, being in your shoes now.. I feel the EXACT same way. I don’t want to date someone who doesn’t understand the passion that I have for my “hobbies”. (So what that they’re all types of working out!!).. I also don’t want to date someone who puts shit into their body and doesn’t understand that I #EatToPerform.. WHY would I want to date someone who is constantly trying to get me to skip the gym, or eat something unhealthy?! That’s not my cup of tea, and frankly I’m not interested in dating someone if it’s theirs.
Brittany V recently posted..Five Things Friday [07/18/14]
Wow! Really? It’s only natural to be attracted to (and want to date) people that have the same interests and likes right.
I’m so sorry you had to be introduced to haters. You should be so proud of your commitment, drive and passion. The haters wish they could say the same.
jill conyers recently posted..Post-Run Recovery Routine
Bottom line, we can’t please everyone. But all that really matters is that we empower one another in a positive way and please ourselves. You can’t disrespect hard work-in any form. People need to learn to be open minded, respectful, and lead with love. It’s called the Golden Rule. Rock on sister. Your CrossFit Community will always support you. Body, mind, and spirit! <3
Oh my goodness thank you for tagging me in this! You know I have had issues forever with haters. I do not Crossfit, but do respect you and what you do so much. Like you always tell me, just blow them off lady. I do know that is easier said than done, but I have learned that people who make comments like these have more issues with themselves than they do you. I adore and respect you so excuse my language, but eff them!!!!!
Joanna Broadbent recently posted..Oh Happy Monday!!!!
Anyone who starts out a post with , “I have several mental disorders” and then goes on to bash someone else has more mental disorders than they should advertise on the internet. It always amazes me how powerful some people feel when they can just open their traps, let shit fall out of it, walk away and not not have to deal with the consequences. They wouldn’t be able to do that talking face to face.
Jen, you are very brave for putting yourself out there. Most people prefer to hide behind their keyboards and let the world move without them. You make an effort to touch people in a positive way and you should always be proud of that.
The world will always have bullies and just like our moms told us in middle school, be happy you aren’t them!
“Haters don’t really hate you, they hate themselves;
because you’re a reflection of what they wish to be”
― Yaira N
Keep doing what you are doing.
Colin recently posted..Your “All or Nothing” Mindset is Destroying Your Results
Thank you, Colin. 🙂
Perfectly stated!
Oh no Jennifer I’m so sorry this happened. People are jerks you are beautiful and dating is up to you! You are better than all this let it roll, soon the trolls will find someone new. Chin up lady, we all love you! 🙂
Renee @ Bendiful Blog recently posted..Quinoa Tahini Vegetable {Meatless Monday Recipe}
I once had a guy say, “Until you can press 2x your bodyweight, I’m not interested in anything you have to say.”
Because apparently we must all have the same fitness goals.
Whatevs. It bugged (the shit out of) me for about a day, and then I just laughed and moved on and continued doing my thang.
Great post!
Twitter: itsaharleyylife
July 28, 2014 at 8:26 pm
Girl! I LOVE when you write posts like this! Get ’em! I hate when people feel like they need to open their mouths when they have no idea peoples situations!
I feel like it is coming up a lot on some certain blogs lately to! So annoying! (:
Danielle @ It’s a Harleyyy Life recently posted..Meatless Monday: 5 Ingredient Egg Avocado Salad
People are still children on the playground pushing others around and being mean. Name calling is ridiculous and I love your article. This is great! Glad you healed yourself with fitness and exercise of any type is great!! Congrats
Lisa recently posted..Men’s Health Workout Book Release
I hate to break it to ya, but trolls mean you’re famous now 🙂
Listen, I love you.
Your readers love you. We know you and understand you and much of what you say is how we talk amongst our friends. Unfortunately, the Internet is a sad place where people like to tear eachother down.
Don’t lose sleep over this. Remember who you are and where you came from, and don’t give those jerks a second thought!
Martha recently posted..An Atmosphere of Love
Ignore the hate! As we say down South, the good lord don’t like ugly. Anyone who can’t have a mature debate and devolves it into personal attacks isn’t with worrying over. Keep smiling and shining!
I had this happen when the Chronicle did an article on me for their “different exercise” column (it was when I was doing “vertical gymnastics” aka pole dancing). I weighed 150 lbs at 6’2″. The contents were things like “look at her cellulite” and “I threw up in my mouth a little”. And how old I was. And ” if it wasn’t sexual why was I wearing underwear [aka booty shorts] and Lucite heels?” (Because skin contact, and the plastic across the top of the shoes, are critical to “sticking” to the pole in many moves). Interestingly, I had to quit because where I taught didn’t concentrate on mobility and using both hands on the pole…. I’ve had shoulder issues since (which have been by and large cured by Crossfit). But…. Lord…. I feel your pain at haters.
Yes, they are haters and its hard to read hurtful words , but they are “anonymous” people writing their “thoughts” from behind a screen. Like you said, they don’t know you, your story, they don’t read your blog etc… Even though I’ve never “met” you in real life, I’ve listened to your Single and Sweaty podcasts, watched your short blog videos, I read your blog and follow you on FB and I definitely don’t think you are those things they said that I refuse to repeat. You have a big heart, strong body and a will to push yourself to be the best version of yourself (physically and emotionally).
In a recent S&S podcast, you mentioned what you said here, that you are looking for someone who shares a fitness/sport interest and understands why you go to bed “early” to most people (9-10pm is actually late for me, I’m in bed by 8 lol), why fitness is part of your life (not just an ‘activity’), and that it is a priority. Even though I’m not a crossfitter, I DO understand entirely where you are coming from and I KNOW that people who don’t have a sport (especially where you compete in some way) as a core part of their life, REALLY don’t get it. I too run into it often (lol pun) now that I’m out of grad school and in the real world.
Anyway, I totally support your journey for focusing on yourself 🙂 Someday the right guy will come along, that does understand your passion for crossfit and will cheer you on during your competitions (I’m sure preferably to you, before/after he competes where you will cheer him on!)
Your comment bubble wonuldn’t let me post 🙁 Kept saying I don’t own my own blog identity
Just FYI this is Nicole from masters2marathons. Trying to play around to see if this widget will confirm my identity. Sorry for the extra comment!
Nicole recently posted..Goodbye Grad School, Hello Fellowship!
I agree with another commenter – the totally unnecessary, unfounded hating means you’ve reached a new level of “famous.” So, congratulations? The plus side to this means a lot of people checked out your blog to find out more about the ugly, un-muscular, hater chick and most likely became a fan. The important people know you and get your intentions. I can’t say it doesn’t suck or that it’s right, but I can say that it’s only a small percentage of the population that thinks that way.
Jennifer Charles recently posted..Freytag Fran
Jennifer – I’m so sorry these cowardly people wrote such hateful things. I will never understand why people think it’s okay to post something on the web that they would NEVER in a million years have the guts to say to someone’s face. They are cowards and are unhappy. IMO they just want to try and make others unhappy as well.
I don’t know you personally, but shallow and asshole are probably the last words I would even think of to describe you. Like Dana said, you are very brave for putting yourself out there in the first place!
Just keep being you, girl! 🙂
Great response post! You’re awesome, girl! Haters gonna hate – boo to them.
Linz @ Itz Linz recently posted..Why I Started Blogging
Never in the year or so that I’ve been following you have I ever considered you pretentious or shallow or any of those words. People who aren’t into themselves, meaning, their health, what they put into their bodies or the wonderful strong things they can train their bodies to learn, clearly have nothing better to do than post rude comments on facebook.We love you and let the haters hate!
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Jenn
I have watched you for a year now, working harder, being more disciplined, and showing more commitment than anyone at the gym. People who know you, love and respect you. You are beautiful, you are strong, and your best look is covered in sweat and game face on! Keep doing what you do and having the courage to say what you believe.
Your biggest fan
Bob
Thank you, superstar Bob!!! 😀
Twitter: inmyheadspace
July 30, 2014 at 3:12 pm
Why is it that a guy can be judgmental, shallow, picky, whatever word you want to use here… and it’s perfectly is not questioned. But a women expresses a strong mind in what she wants and you are shallow and pretentious. I can’t stand that. Way to go for standing up for yourself and not letting them get to you. Haters gonna hate (mostly because they are jealous).
Mary recently posted..Fuel Your Better with Vega Sport
Gal, you don’t worry about those haters. Let your haters be your motivators!
Woah, people are so rude, and mostly JEALOUS!!! I totally, completely understand how crossfit has changed your life, confidence, independence, bravery, view on EVERYTHING! Even for my fiancé and I, who crossfit together every morning, the perfect date night involves eating healthy and watching the crossfit games {and even now on re-play!!} and of course! talking about crossfit! It’s weird to people who don’t get it- but they just don’t understand and you just always need to remember that!!!
WOW! I’ve read both good and bad crossfit reviews. I’ve watched my friends transform their bodies through crossfit. Keep doing your thing. You look great!
Michelle
Found you on SITS
Michelle recently posted..Sharknado 2 â Taking one for the team
This is the biggest challenge in a person’s life (a sane person, that is). Do what you feel is right without giving in to people who lob negative comments at you from the comfort of their keyboard. You can always take comfort in the fact that there are many more people who are inspired by what you do then not.
Thank you so much for the kind words, Jimmy! Yes, definitely have learned to put the hater-blockers on in all aspects of my life.
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