What’s wrong with wanting to be single?

I created this blog to write about my “health and fitness journey” as I feel I have typed about 100 times before. but there are other parts to my life, believe it or not, that I also feel are just as important. I wrote a post about Crossfit and Dating not too long ago, and a book I read while on vacation has sparked a fire in me wanting to write more on the topic.

Typically I read very “chick-lit” books and when I am away from the stresses of work and day-to-day life, I love getting lost in a good book and vacation is the perfect time to do so. This past week, I read what I think is probably one of my most favorite books so far in the genre, “Why I Love Singlehood” by Elisa Lorello and Sarah Girrell.

Photo courtesy of Amazon

I  feel the need to disclaim that I purchased the book myself from Amazon, am under zero obligation to do any sort of review and I am not being compensated in any sort of way for talking about the book (though if you purchase the $3 Kindle book, I will get an itty bitty commission).

I read the book about the 30-something year old single girl, who had a past long-term relationship of complacency and predictability, with her ex breaking up with her not because there was anything wrong, but because something just wasn’t right. Wow, quite a bit of familiarity there..

I finished the page turner in just over a day, not wanting to put it down as I felt such a strong connection with Eva, the lead character, and her romantic, or lack thereof, life. She even was a blogger, yet our similarities somewhat ended there. But despite not being able to re-live my entire life through the pages of this character, I could relate to so many things she experienced, from being in a “content” relationship to online dating to speed dating to eventually just finding happiness being single.

I have been single for five solid months now, and have not been on one date, nor have I actively searched or solicited any. I am quite certain that this is the longest period I have ever gone without dating anyone since I was 18 (when I had my first date, first kiss, late bloomer). I have had no dates, no kisses, and not even any opportunities to either accept or decline a date. TMI? Maybe.

I met my first boyfriend when I was 19, via Love@AOL. After just over four months together, he turned out to be stalker crazy, after he forbade me to go out with my girlfriends to Canada for my 19th birthday. This was after he told me I needed to quit my second job as it was taking away from time that should be spent with him. It was my first serious boyfriend so I was crushed that I was having to make a choice between him and my job; or him and my girlfriends. This ended with him driving an hour to see me almost daily for quite some time, crying outside my bedroom door as I locked myself away..

The next two “boyfriends” I happened to meet while during my short-term bar hopping days (guess he had a reason to not want me to go clubbin’ in Canada!). I can’t remember the timeline of these two; perhaps I dated at the same time? Matt had a nose ring and was covered in colorful tattoos. Bryce had blue spiky hair and smelled divine (if you still exist somewhere out there, please return my Mighty Mighty Bosstones and Jimmy Eat World CDs). One of them gave me mono..

A few months later, I met another guy online, a little younger than me, but tall and muscular, with a fancy black Monte Carlo. He left for the military, so I went right back to the Internet.

And then in October, 2001, at the ripe age of 19 and 3 months, I met Randy. We purchased a home not far from my parents in 2004; he got a dog, I got a dog. I was married less than a year later at 23 and divorced four years later. I feel no need to go into the details of that relationship’s demise, but not long after my divorce was finalized, I was dating again. After each short-term fling or whatever you would call it would end, I would be right back online on the hunt for someone new. None of them lasted more than a few dates. Even when I did start getting serious with someone else, we were so on again, off again, that the off-again parts were flooded with even more first-dates. I could not stand the thought of being alone.

But this last time.. something is just different. I took this breakup harder than any other one before it, but it seems to have had the most positive impact on me. I upped my workouts to 5x or more a week, and cleaned up my diet even more. These small changes led to some positive physical changes, which gave my confidence a nice boost. I made new friends at the gym, where I really didn’t have many friends before. I started to realize that I am my number one priority and my happiness needs to be dependent on me, and no one else.

I have been so busy with Crossfit and spending time there even when I am not working out. Ironically, putting myself first and having a major confidence boost has only made the thought of dating even more unrealistic. I look better, I feel better, but I don’t want to share this with anyone else?

When I wrote my post about Crossfit and dating, I was somewhat half sarcastic, but the other half pretty real. Who has time to date these days? And who wants to date someone whose life completely revolves around themselves, because quite frankly, I am right the front and center of my life.

I am turning 31 on Tuesday and I think I am more clueless about dating and relationships than I was when I was 18. I always wanted the picture perfect wedding, a new house, a dog, some kids. Some of that happened; some didn’t. None of that matters anymore. I preach about learning to love yourself before you can start making other positive changes in your life, but I am quite happy with myself. I am proud of my accomplishments all across the board: I am healthy and fit; have a secure career and make a decent salary; I drive a new car and I am a ‘homeowner’; I have a savings account and a 401k; I have a Bachelor’s degree and a Master’s Degree, and it seems that he only thing socially missing is the man.

In the book, Eva writes a blog and started a series on “WILS (What I Love about Singlehood).” One of my favorite quotes she writes is,

“Singlehood is about finding and committing to the love of your life. I’m talking about literal love of your life. Being in a place of self-sufficiency, strength, independence, comfort, confidence, and happiness is what matters.. you don’t have to be alone to be single. And being single doesn’t mean that you are alone.”

I have all that. I used to think that I needed to be with someone else to be happy, but for the first time, the thought of dating really doesn’t even sound all that appealing to me. I’ve been told to put myself out there (where?), or I must have guys flocking to me (I don’t), or “it will happen when it’s supposed to happen. (I’m not getting any younger).”

While I do think it would be nice to have someone to go to dinner with and someone to fall asleep on the couch next to watching movies, or someone to spoon with, or someone who knows me better than I know myself, or someone to pretend to like my cooking, or someone to kill the centipedes when they invade my bedroom; do I really need these things to be truly happy? It’s almost as if my heart was broken and I have just been filling it up completely with me. I can’t say that this is a bad thing, but I really do not think it is a particularly good thing either.. Though I can somewhat admit being alone can also be a bit lonely..