Why I “Run” (and a little bit of #ThrowbackThursday)

I’ve repeated multiple times between here and on Twitter that I dislike running. I don’t understand the “runner’s high” and since I started lifting, I struggle to see the sense in putting in hours and hours of cardio in a week, when I can do all my workouts and burn just as much body fat and stay fit in three hours a week as someone who is putting an hour of cardio a day.

But my fitness history did start with running. I trained for my first 5k last year and somewhat enjoyed running, but not enough to continue beyond the end of the year. But for whatever reason, I signed up again for the same race I did last year in downtown Detroit, to be run in just over a week. I guess it’s a bit of nostalgia, in a sense.

I don’t have my heart in running. I run (or better yet, I “wog”, an endearing term I read on someone’s blog and I cannot for the life of me find it again so I apologize if I stole your term), I can’t breathe, my calves and shins hurt, my chest and lungs hurt, my ears and nose hurt, my eyes water. It’s a painful experience. And that’s to run a mile. I don’t want to do much more than that because I don’t like the whole being uncomfortable part.

Yet… sometimes, I want to run. It is not to lose weight or to become “fit”, and it’s not like I plan on being the fastest runner in a marathon, but I did come up with two completely different, completely honest reasons:

1. When I was in school, I was always one of the smart kids. I never had to try. Never had to study, never spent hours writing papers or cramming for tests. School just came naturally. In applying for jobs, I pretty much was hired for any position I was interested in. And sometimes positions just fell into my lap. Many things just come easily to me.

   However, in working out, the whole things coming naturally to me isn’t there. I am not a natural runner, nor am I a natural lifter. I have to work hard for these things and it is not something I’m used to.

   
   I am amazed and inspired at so many stories of girls (and guys) that went from no athletic ability at all to running half marathons and marathons within a year, while I am still struggling to run a 5k after training a year ago. I see these Crossfitting chicks squatting 200lbs and deadlifting 300lbs, while I am hurting at my lower numbers. I want to be like these people. All of them. I want to finish a marathon and be a powerlifter and compete in crossfit and be a figure competitor. But I can’t be all of those things nor do all of those things, so I need to scale it down. But it’s still in the back of mind to stay motivated because I want that feeling of excelling at anything that I am doing, and it’s frustrating as all heck not to just have it come naturally.

   

   Oh.. did I tell you I’m an awesome bowler, too?

2. I run because my sister inspires me. I tried to find a picture of her doing anything remotely athletic, but all I came up with was duck faces, multiple pictures of her with drinks in hand, and many more of her eating.. but here we are:
   
   She is a born-runner. She was very involved in sports from playing T-Ball in kindergarten to soccer and track in high school. She easily runs 5 miles a day, then rollerblades 10 miles in the evening to keep up with her husky pup. I tried to run with her once, and of course, struggled miserably. She has not run one official race ever, but her runs are typically under a 9 minute mile (I run a 11:30ish).
   
   I asked her what she thinks about when she’s running, and how she can just run and run. She told me two things: my brother, and my dad.My brother was born with spina bifida, and has never been able to walk. He is super intelligent and other than not being able to use his legs, could do anything he put his mind to.
   Yet he never really did. Other than being able to rattle off sports stats and other useless trivia (useless to me at least!), he spent much of his time watching TV and playing video games. Then one day, he met his soulmate online. And after hardly leaving the house in nearly 30 years, he up and moved from Michigan to California. And it was the best thing ever for him to do.
   
   My sister said she runs for him. Because if he had an opportunity for one day to run, he wouldn’t think twice about it. We take our legs and our physical abilities for granted, but there are so many others out there that wish they had a chance to do things we can. And the fact that someone like my brother could push 100% outside of his comfort zone to do what he did, why am I whining and complaining when I run a mile?
   

   Mikey, Kristen, and Me (glad she grew out of the ugly baby look.. hehe)

   
   The second, and I won’t say more important, but maybe a bit more meaningful, is my dad.

   The past week marked my Dad’s 58th birthday, and his “deathday,” I guess it would be called. Seven years ago yesterday, my dad passed away, and this past week has been a struggle. I try to keep positive on the outside, but sometimes it’s extremely difficult to not think about the sad things.
   
   I wrote out a long blog post out yesterday, reliving the events of finding out he had cancer, to things taking a positive turn, to him being able to walk me down the aisle at my wedding (which is even more saddening that it didn’t last..), to the day my sisters came up to my work in tears saying they wanted to put my Dad under hospice care, to the day that I had off of work but didn’t want to visit my dad because I was uncomfortable with hospitals, and then the day I got the call from my sister. I will be the first to tell you that I have the most horrible memory. Like the period that I was married? Kind of washed from my memory. Much of my childhood? I can tell you things I know I’ve seen in pictures, but not much beyond that. Mention a movie quote? Couldn’t tell you what it was from. Yet I clearly remember my sister calling me that night saying, “Everything is going to be okay now. Dad isn’t suffering anymore.” Kristen was 17 at the time.

   

   The last picture ever taken with my dad..

   As I thought back as these events and wrote them out in more detail, I sobbed at my desk at work, and every time I would stop to think of a happy memory, I would just turn back to thinking about him not being around anymore. And even now, it’s hard not to get super teary about it.. honestly, it sucks.  I scrapped my whole post because it was hard to write, and even harder to proofread. Even the shortened version here is extremely tough to relive.

   But.. the point is, my sister runs for my dad. She runs because he would be proud of her, and he would want to see her doing something that she loves to do. He always pushed us to do our best and was always proud of our accomplishments and let us know it. When my dad was around, my highest level of athleticism was third grade softball, but now, I can do so much more and I am so much more than I was then. So I want to run to make him proud.

   

   Kristen and Daddy

They say that life doesn’t get easier, you just get stronger. And I love this quote in relation to lifting, and I’m hoping to one day relate it to running. However, there are so many things that no matter how many times you try and confront them, it is very hard to stay strong..