Do I Even Lift?

A strange thing happened to me today.

I have been missing something in my ridiculously crazy busy life and know it is largely in part that I have not been able to write my usual novel posts. This pretty little blog space that I am paying a good amount for hosting fees, has been quite neglected.

So while having some down time, I opened up WordPress to start a new blog post, typed in ‘admin’ in the name field and went to type my password.. and had to think about it. I mean, so maybe it has been 5 months since I opened up this webpage, and maybe it took me even a hot minute to remember how to get to the admin page, but you would think it would be like riding a bike, right? Once something becomes a habit, it would be nearly impossible to forget. You do it so many times that when you pick it back up months or years later, it’s like you go on autopilot and things just click.

But no, I had to sit and stare at the blinking cursor and think.

I used to log into this blog every single day. Multiple times a day. I used to obsess over my blog stats and how many new views I got each day. If my numbers weren’t where I thought they should be, I had to start re-sharing old popular posts in the hopes of one going mildly viral.

My desk at my day job had Tweetdeck always open on one screen with a general tweet feed, a @mention feed, a feed of my favorite tweeters, and a feed for my former podcast. Facebook would be open on my other monitor and Instagram up on my phone. My Feedly was loaded with my favorite bloggers and I would always take the time to comment and like everyone’s statuses and blog posts to earn my Klout.

What seems like forever ago now (though in reality, less than a year), my blog was part of my livelihood. Sure, I had a day job but I loved associating myself as a blogger.

The evolution of this blog has always been in line with the evolution of myself. I started this blog the same week I first started to lift weights. Day 1 of working out, day 1 of blogging.

(Oddly enough.. that header went on for a couple of months before someone pointed out I had “weightlifting” mistyped.. hehe).

This blog has gone through many changes over its lifetime, from content based on my daily workouts to content based showcasing other women, to posts on Crossfit and my emotional rollercoaster I rode with it, to some posts written just because hey, I was making money or getting swag to do so.

But where I left off with this blog months and months ago is not the same place I am at now in my life.

A lot has changed over the past year, from a new 9-5 job (in which my flexibility for social media and blogging is no longer what it used to be, and lack of public Wi-Fi at work makes it quite difficult to be as plugged in without my sister screaming at my about our shared data plan..), to my relationships with others, to my relationship with myself.

I had built my brand as a healthy lifestyler, Crossfiter, and advocate for women’s weightlifting, primarily because my life was consumed by those things. I lived, breathed, and slept Crossfit. My friends were Crossfit friends. My boyfriend was a Crossfit boyfriend. I was in the gym 5x a week for at least 2 hours each evening, with a pretty minimal social life outside of anything gym related that allowed me the free time to write about all of my Crossfit experiences. I loved diving deep into the emotions that came with my sport, loved sharing those experiences and relating it to others, all while stressing out about my diet and arranging my life around my Crossfit schedule.

But now, I’m in a different phase.

Crossfit is a part of my life, but my life isn’t Crossfit. It’s a little bittersweet.

I have gone through a lot of personal development over the last year and I am continuing to grow in really finding my place.

I miss writing.

I miss my readers.

I miss my blog friends and amazing connections I have made through my little space on the internet.

Ironically, my Twitter and Facebook has been continuously growing, yet my attention there is not.

I’ve expanded my personal Facebook to learn to connect with more people on a personal level not just through my blog. I’ve made so many new friends that *gasp* don’t Crossfit, don’t lift, and some don’t even know what kale is or have a very confused look if I talk about my max snatch. But what I have discovered, is that I love people and making new friends and expanding my personal network has been freaking fabulous!

My life has been meeting new people, strengthening relationships with people already close to me, and learning to let go of those who do not contribute a positive impact on my life.

Of course, I still love Crossfit, guys.

(And quite awesome that a new girl at my gym said she stalked my blog before even meeting me.. which how awesome of a feeling is THAT!)

And I still, well, occasionally, lift (did recently compete in a Barbell Classic competition, and *EEK* competing in a partner competition next weekend.

But realized especially during The Open (in which I completely forgot to submit one of my workouts, something I would have freaked the freak out before), that I am still a major work in progress.That I am still working on me and my goals and my life and figuring out what the heck I want to do.

The first three years of my blog and first two years of Crossfit I have been on a continuous path of growth. Growing as a person, growing in gainz, growing in lifts, growing in confidence.

The last six months… I’m still growing as a person and ridiculously have grown a lot more in confidence (outside the internet).

But my lifting.. is sub-par. PRs? What’s that? My goal of a 200# squat… do I even lift…?

I crossfit 3-4x a week now and not nearly the capacity that I was prior.

I feel weak, and I feel small. I look at pictures from last year and where my fitness level was in terms of strength and endurance and it makes me sad. I’m a hella confident girl and strive to be the bets version of me every single day, but hey, I’m struggling.

One of my favorite new perspectives is that we have the ability to only control what WE can control. And of course, I can prioritize things differently and get myself back to where I was.

But it’s hard.

Things are all shifted and my life looks so different from what it did a year ago and quite honestly, I have never been happier — with the exception of my gym life.

I still rock this confident #bossbabe on the outside and I still show up and do the work, but I’m still figuring out what my goals are. Still figuring out where my place is what I am supposed to be doing for myself, and for others.

I have always loved my blog as my outlet to write about whatever I want, whenever I want, but the bigger vision with my blog was that it was a tool to motivate, encourage and inspire others. THAT is my purpose and THAT is my passion..

In the meantime.. you can keep up with me on Facebook or on my latest addiction, Snapchat.. 😀