Confession time.
Despite me being on board with telling people to throw out the scale and that gaining weight when working out doesn’t matter, I still weigh myself quite regularly. As in, every Wednesday morning at 7:15 regularly.
It’s all in a notebook aside my bed on the night stand. Date, body weight, body fat percentage (as calculated by my scale, which I know is not accurate based on my BodPod results awhile ago, though still track trends), about a year and a half of obsessive compulsive history.
As someone with a transformation in which weight has increased, rather than decreased, I often feel like I cannot relate to a lot of women, and few can relate to my story or my internal struggles. Seriously, tell any girl that you are trying to gain weight and see the reaction you get.
I’ve written before about how I don’t believe in incentive-based diet programs and how you should embrace your body as it is, so I rarely let the actual number bother me at all. I wholeheartedly believe, and preach, that if your workouts are still progressing and you are feeling good, there is no reason to be concerned with a number you cannot control. Your body is going to regulate itself and your weight will end up wherever it does. I have seen my scale weight steadily increase for the past two years, to where it plateaued around March this year at 143, the highest number I had ever seen on the scale.
Admittedly, I was pretty excited. Heavier body weight = stronger = more gains.
I like numbers. I like tracking things and correlating results.
But for the past few months, my weight has been trickling back down to 134, maybe 136 on carb-loaded day. Seeing the number on the scale and then looking in the mirror, I see a skinny girl looking back. Not skinny as fit and healthy, but skinny as in weak and nonathletic. I am quite lean up on top but do carry probably whatever fat I have in my midsection. I know 5# seems quite insignificant but on my frame and my historical weight, a 5# fluctuation makes a difference.
I secretly (or maybe not so secretly) envy girls who have thick thighs. Mine are definitely larger than they were a year or two ago, but relative to others, maybe they aren’t big enough. I don’t have that quad-bulge like others do when they flex. I can’t mimic the flexing others do for “Trap Thursday” and even though I have been genetically blessed with a bit of a booty, these glutes are pretty useless when it comes to back squats.
While this has been in my head for quite some time, a comment on a less-than-flattering picture I posted over on Google+ kinda hurt, when a guy commented, “to skinny..ya need some sandwiches.” I know trolls will be trolls, but I just don’t like being called skinny..
I am stronger now than I was six months ago, at 7# lighter. I can clean more, snatch more, overhead squat more. I have PRed benchmark workouts and my clothes don’t fit any differently. As of Saturday, I am only 5# shy of having a double body-weight deadlift. But I almost feel like I think maybe if I add another 5-10# of bodyweight that I will start to look like a more competitive Crossfitter.
Maybe if I look more the part, everything else would fall into place.
Maybe my PRs would be greater in my lifts if I was a little heavier.
Maybe people would look at me and see strong over skinny.
In some lights, I feel like I look strong. But in others, I just feel small.
I posted this picture in a throwback Thursday post, and I was definitely small then..
But how much different am I really today when I weigh just about the same I am here?
I know am more confident.
I know am stronger mentally and physically.
I no longer cry during WODs (okay, it’s been two months, but still).
I have no shame in my body.
I can out-lift that girl from a year ago, despite weighing the same.
I am stronger than that girl six months ago, despite weighing less.
Weight really does not matter and it is just a number and if you are doing everything right, hardly should have any reflection on your progress.
I just have to realize I need to focus on what I can do rather than let a number define me.
I have thick things but I DEFINITELY don’t have a quad bulge. Because my thighs are just fat 🙂 (Or maybe those thick things don’t count… who knows?!)
I keep going backwards & forwards between repeatedly cutting down to <72kg for every competition, and just not bothering to diet & competing in the 84s. I know what you mean about horrified reactions when you tell people you're trying to gain weight (or not trying to lose). Especially for me, when being in the 84kg class @ 5'2" tall = omgOBESITY ooogabooga
Great post Jennifer! I have commented on this before, and I will again because I know every single girl has thoughts about their body image. In the world we live in, it would be impossible not to have doubts, and it is very brave you once again shared them, this time with updates. I have to admit at least once per day I look in the mirror and think that everyone is going to notice I do not have the killer abs that the other women will when I stand on that elite start line this sunday. That is something that is bothering me, especially as I am carb loading this week. It feels good to say that actually, so thank you for giving me the courage. EVERYONE has these thoughts, whether they admit it or not. It is only those who are brave enough to keep doing what they need to do to fuel their body for life, and those who share those thoughts (like you have here) who will be able to keep a healthy mindset. Thank you!
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Thanks for sharing Jennifer! Like most women, I too struggle with body image. Reading tons of fitness blogs can be very inspiring, but some days, I struggle with the fact that I’m not as strong, or as healthy, as the other bloggers out there. I need to remind myself that I’m on my own journey. We all have times of self-doubt. It’s how we react to it that matters. Hang in there beautiful lady!
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Great post Jennifer and bravo for being so honest. While I only weigh myself once a month there is still some graticification that comes with the numbers going in the direct you want. As if you prove you’ve earned it and it’s not all for nothing. Trolls and trolls let them bark, I find most of their comments rather hilarious. While I shake my head and think who has time for this? Anyway kudos on your PR’s and I have some serious back envy going on right now. Time to hit some heavy weights thanks for the motivation 🙂
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This is an awesome post and is something I definitely relate to. I struggle with my body image and always have. CrossFit has changed my mindset from wanting to be skinny and toned to wanting to be strong and muscular. I too wish I had bigger legs. I refer to my legs as chicken legs. At the same time I have to reset my mind and be thankful for the body I do have because my body can do a lot of awesome things! Thanks for the encouragement!
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I can also relate to this post. Not all people who want to change their bodies are over weight. I recently wrote a post about this same issue from a skinny person’s perspective. A woman who wanted thighs and a booty, and who was ridiculed by society all her life.
Not just fat people look in the mirror and wish for change.
You are not alone, my friend! I think all women can relate to this post in some way. There’s always going to be something we wish we could change/improve/get rid of, but we have to remember where we started and how far we’ve already come.
You’re training your butt off, hitting new PRs, and making solid gains. Screw your scale. That’s measurable progress!
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October 6, 2014 at 11:55 am
You look strong to me! Seriously. I’m so envious of those back muscles. Kind of funny that today, I posted about hating my my large quads for the longest time. Grass is always greener, huh?
I think sometimes it’s important to remember that “heavier” and “bigger” and “stronger” – is ALL relative. What bigger muscles look like for you might look completely different on someone else. Everyone’s body is different – that’s what I try to remember, but I’ll be honest, I’m not 100% there either. I think it’s just difficult – the media and world being what it is – to come to that complete happy place and never have a thought about wanting this or that to look different.
Some days I feel great about all my curves, and some days I look in the mirror and see a fat girl. Even at Crossfit – I can be happy about my big quads/legs during squats, but I get up to do HSPU and think, “what if I just lost another 5 lbs? these would be easier if I didn’t have to lift so much up”.
Ah … who has the secret to all of this??
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October 6, 2014 at 2:43 pm
I’m currently a little chunkier than usual, so I’m having your opposite problem right now (especially when I’ll be on a beach in Puerto Rico in two weeks…) Buuuuuut. I can speak from experience on this.
I used to thrive on the idea that people didn’t look at me and automatically think “strong” or as competition. I loved the look on someone’s face when they’d see me pile on weights or string out a few strict pull ups. I was coined the mini beast and I ate it up.
I’ve put on some muscle in my back and arms, can see definition in my quads, and am obsessed with my traps. But I still want that butt. Those shoulders. Those abs. Genetically, I will never have that butt (I am shaped like my mother and my grandmother and my great grandmother – flat butt, wide hips) and I’m starting to accept it. It’s easy to accept when I squat 185 at 130 body weight. My flat butt gets the job done.
I think there will always be something. When I finally hit my “goal weight”, I wasn’t happy because I was TOO skinny and had no boobs (not that I have much of them now). But now that I’m heavier, I want to be thinner. It’s always something. I think as girls who Crossfit, we already are instilled with ambition and the goal of success and enough will never be enough. It’s hard to be satisfied completely when are lives are in a constant orbit of numbers – lb’s (on the bar and on our bellies), reps, times, and then for women – clothing size and age.
Sure, 5-10 lbs may pr your lifts by a kilo or 2, but what if it makes you slower? Less agile? Tired faster? It’s a double edged sword that will drive you crazy if you think too much about it.
In the meantime, own the little. I am 5’3″ and, yeah, I would love to be taller (it’s the only thing holding back my professional modeling career of course), but I wasn’t made that way. You were made this way and, really, it’s just how you look- not what you are or what you can do. Puff your chest, walk with your shoulders back, and own it.
Love it, girl! You always have such a great perspective. Oh, and you can have some of my thighs – they’re definite quad-zilla status! I don’t mind it though, as much as jean shopping is a pain in the ass (literally) they mean business when it comes to training. P.S. your back looks amazing, look at those muscles!! Straight up gainster 😉
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You are definitely not alone. When I started Crossfit a bit over a year ago I weighed exactly the same as I do now (50kg). While I am stronger and have more muscle definition, my pants are tighter in the legs! (Who needs jeans anyway) the scale has not budged. I used to desperately want it to go up! I think in my head weighing more = getting stronger. I’ve gradually let go of that notion, but still get disappointed when the scale reads the same.
This is great. Hard to write stuff like this, but every single woman out there has all these kinds of thoughts racing through her head every minute of every day. And especially the minutes you spend in the gym.
I totally think there’s value in coming to peace with your body and loving what you have. BUT! I also think there is no better motivation than knowing you can do just a little better and pushing yourself a little harder. That double body weight deadlift is yours.
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Great post Jennifer! I know all about body image issues. You look fantastic and you are definitely a powerhouse! Keep it up!
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For those of us Type-A gals who love numbers, it can be really, really hard not to get fixated on them. Even though logically we know better! Thanks for this reminder that numbers only tell one small piece of the story.
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October 12, 2014 at 10:03 pm
My body tends to fluctuate a bit in weight (more like in muscle) depending on my training routine since I have now added tri’s and du’s to long distance running and actual strength training. For me I guess that is sort of “normal” depending on the “season” I’m training for. As long as you are happy and working hard, I think the number on the scale is just that, a number 🙂
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I love numbers and stats too. I stopped weighing myself to become a healthier happier me. I even stand on the scale backwards when I’m weighed at the doctor’s office. It’s just too easy for me to fall back into restrictive eating.
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Interesting to just avoid it all together! I don’t know why I look and why I get so obsessed about it.. when it’s not like I am really going to change much based on what I see anyway!
Love this post because it is a reminder to me that “the grass is not always greener” on the other side. As someone that would like to LOSE weight while keeping strength, I don’t easily relate to the perspective of being upset by losing weight. The moral of the story to me was we ALL have our hang-ups with our bodies (and do not want to ever be called “skinny!”)…
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I think no matter what, Stacy, we all will find something to complain about! It’s just our nature as women, I guess!
I’m someone who would love to lose a few stone & who has thick thighs but is struggling seemingly because have a tendency to build muscle & bulk up.
This post makes me realise that whilst its disappointing to not see any real weight loss I should be happy that at least my strength, tone & definition are wins that should be celebrated 🙂
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Absolutely, Claire!
Let me point you in the direction of journeyofadreamer.com. She has been on a long weight loss journey, does Crossfit, is a wife/mother/coach/business owner.. she’s awesome and inspiring and may be able to give a different spin on the body image from someone on the other side.
Keep working towards your goals and realize that the number is so not important!!
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